you should probably say it
As an undeserved but flattering side effect of presenting loose opinions as definitive statements on the public internet, people occasionally mistake me for an authority and reach out for advice. Because I love secrets, and because I love people, I often choose to hear them out. The most common genre of problem I encounter goes something like, “Should I vocalize what I want?”
Concrete examples include:
Should I tell my partner this is what I want from our relationship?
Should I ask for a promotion/raise/money from strangers?
Should I reach out to a parent/ex/estranged meaningful person?
Should I state a goal explicitly, rather than relegating it to the comfortable status of hypothetical bucket list item?
The answer I give is almost always yes, if — and this is a critical if — the telling alone would make you feel good. What do I mean by this? If you would derive value (relief, closure, healing, vindication, understanding, etc.) simply from making your desire known, then yes, you should say it.*
If the telling is merely a means to an end — a tool to more adeptly claw toward the actual thing you want — your problem is a classic one of unknown probabilities, and you should run some mental models to determine how likely it is that sharing will hasten or secure (or perhaps, inhibit) your preferred outcome. If sharing would not be a win in and of itself, then the question isn’t “Should I say the thing?”; it’s, “What methods, sharing being one option amongst them, should I employ to increase the likelihood of my intended result?”
Broadly, even in those cases, I think that telling tends to prod you closer toward success (and toward a better understanding of how to define “success”). It is hard to land on the moon without first establishing that is where you’d like to go. And it is hard to know whether others want you to land on the moon — or maybe even accompany you there — unless you ask them.
I made a fun flow chart for you:
I recently separated from someone and felt a strong pull to leave him with some final, warm words — to impress upon him all the things I was grateful for. He quipped that he doubted my ability to say anything of true comfort. I responded that the niceties weren’t for his sake; they were for mine. And they were.
There’s often utility in naming our wants, even if they’re never quite realized. There’s comfort in being seen exactly as we are. I think it’s a good idea to share as much as we can, if we want, for as long as it feels good.